For the last couple of years, I have kept my hair really short. So short that it hid the fact that my hair is graying. Now I’m growing my hair out and I can see gray hair everywhere. I’m not that vain so gray hair doesn’t bother me. However, there are several ways this gray hair does concern me:
My lack of faith
My last job lasted close to four years. It was a stressful job but I’ve had other stressful jobs. What set this job apart was how I approached it. I was lead developer on several big projects. When something went wrong, people came to me to fix it. Most jobs work that way.
My problem arose when I made the complete and perfect success of those projects my mission. This wasn’t my responsibility and it was an unnecessary burden. At the root of all this was my lack of faith. I lacked the faith that I could come in each morning, do my best, and then leave the rest to God. Nope, I did my best, then took home all the problems and worried over them each night.
By the end, many mornings I woke up and my heart began racing before I even got out of bed. I began thinking about all the perceived problems I conjured the night before. This attitude spilled over into my work relationships. I began to see my coworkers as hindering me or out to add more stress. This finally came to a head and it was time for a change.
The worry and lack of faith were not a new occurrence with my last job. They just brought everything into focus and forced me to evaluate things.
I am not as young as I used to be
I’m not retiring tomorrow but these gray hairs are a subtle reminder that I’m not immortal. I’m made of flesh like everyone else and marred by sin. My knees will continue to deteriorate. The chance of dying young like my father and grandfather stands in the distance. I’m more cognizant of the hours I waste in Netflix binges and similar pursuits. These gray hairs also remind me of all the times that I simply coasted through life. So many times I was more focused on what would happen in the future instead of seeing everything that was right in front of me.
These gray hairs spur the question, “How will I spend my remaining days?
Will I strive and struggle while bearing the cares of the world? Or will I rest knowing I have done all I can and Christ will sustain me through the rest?
I want to look back in another 40 years full of joy from the life I’ve lived. A full life lived in service to my Savior Jesus Christ, regardless of the number of gray hairs.